I'm happy to be drawing again this week after two months of just painting. Did a mural, and a deck for the Vans Deck Show II next week. Of course i'm very happy to have done both, but having the attention span of a toddler, I like to be able to whip something up in a day or two. hope you're well if you're here xo
Most of my stuff I just draw from nothing and see what I get, sometimes it's nothing and sometimes it might be something I like. This guy I drew a while a go and liked but wasn't sure what to do with him so I put a pin in him, then revisited him a while later to do the background. I like to put some guys aside unfinished just for when I'm having a bit of a block, so i've always got something to do. xo
These two carry on with what i was talking about previously regarding depression. The feeling that if someone were to crack your head open it'd be hollow and all your thoughts, colourful or otherwise, would spill out onto the floor. They're fun to draw and mean very much to me, and hopefully to you xo
This picture represents when I first approached a doctor about suffering from depression. A lot of people I've spoken to seem to swear off the thought of taking anti-depressants before they've even tried, which is understandable, I was the same for years. Nobody likes the thought of feeling dependant on chemicals. I got to the point where I would literally do ANYTHING to try and conquer the way I felt. Therapy, drugs, a fucking lobotomy, I was so low I'd give anything a go.
I think most people think that the drugs control your brain, you become a robot and lose all personality, which isn't the case at all. In my experience they simply put up an invisible wall in my head to stop the most horrible thoughts, freeing up some space for me to breath and focus on more positive things, or just more everyday type thoughts. They helped. They still do for the most part, and now I'm more in tune with my body and mind to recognise those days where I may need a little more or a little less. Most importantly, I will NEVER quit completely without returning to my GP to discuss it because if I am going through a long period of feeling fantastic, it is most likely that the drugs are helping!
This picture represents that period of transition when I first started on them. There was a strange feeling of disengagement or numbness. It was the first time in my life where I felt my mind and my body as two separate things, my mind felt like it was rattling around lose in my body and could float off at any given second. i could be in a conversation with someone and hear everything as if I were deep under water. It was a strange old time, but if I hadn't gone through it I could be dead, so I'd say it was the right choice, and now I take everything a day at a time.
it can be a hard hard struggle to not let negative thoughts and anxieties build up until they spill out of you in a horrible manner, in ways that you can't describe or convey properly because you don't understand yourself. it's hard to not let everything push you into a corner and make you want to give up. everything is fucked, everything is unfair, everything is against you, everything is hard, you're alone and no one understands.
Mr Hedgehog is my fourth installment in my Learning To Grow series. Having an allotment is the funnest thing i think i've ever been part of and i never truly realised how great it could be until i saw it all first hand. the sheer imagination that goes into each person's space is incredible and inspiring. i'm very slowly learning how to garden, and have mainly spent the last year building raised beds, fixing sheds etc. the thing i love most about it is the higgle-de-piggle-de nature in which you can approach it all. it's D.I.Y. but there's no rules, no measurements, no restrictions, just fun-ness.
i'm going to write poems to go alongside these pictures to encourage everyone to give it a go themselves because it really has given me a new outlook on life, and after battling depression pretty much my whole adult life, i'd say the allotment has been the best therapy i've had. it's a constant reminder that fun and happiness can be had without having to spend any money, that human interaction is bullshit*and that there are endless possibilities to what we can do creatively if we're left alone without the everyday distractions of life.
i hope you enjoy these pictures as much as i enjoy drawing them. i hope they inspire you to put your computer down and go out gardening**
*human interaction is not bullshit, sometimes you just need a break from it, you know? **but pick up your computer once you're done and come back and see more of my drawings. irony. xo
this is the first time i've done this; revisited an old character i've drawn and catch up with how they're doing. i think mainly because it reflects my own straight of mind so much.
depression lurks underneath the surface, ready to engulf you like an massive fucking tsunami when you're least expecting. it's so very easy to let it consume you. anxiety leads to depression, depression leads to anxiety, repeating the circle. you hurt yourself to feel something because you're numb from your medication or your lack of fucking sleep. you hurt yourself to get attention because you struggle to express to people (or yourself) what's going on in your head. you hurt yourself because you think you deserve it. you hurt yourself to kill yourself.
i'm sure more people than i can imagine struggle with that constant urge to bash your own head in.
the important thing is to know you're not alone, and there are people who can help you turn this energy into something positive. never be ashamed or afraid to go to the doctors and talk.
talk to the people who love you. talk to anyone. talk talk talk.
anyway, this guy has been on a journey, and come out the other end. he's got himself fixed up, he's eating, he's healing and he has a much more healthy outlook on life. i enjoyed drawing both these pictures and especially the idea of ageing with the character. revisiting the character and giving him more of a story. i may do it again xo