Saturday, 6 February 2016

Self Portrait #2589

This picture represents when I first approached a doctor about suffering from depression. A lot of people I've spoken to seem to swear off the thought of taking anti-depressants before they've even tried, which is understandable, I was the same for years. Nobody likes the thought of feeling dependant on chemicals. I got to the point where I would literally do ANYTHING to try and conquer the way I felt. Therapy, drugs, a fucking lobotomy, I was so low I'd give anything a go.
I think most people think that the drugs control your brain, you become a robot and lose all personality, which isn't the case at all. In my experience they simply put up an invisible wall in my head to stop the most horrible thoughts, freeing up some space for me to breath and focus on more positive things, or just more everyday type thoughts. They helped. They still do for the most part, and now I'm more in tune with my body and mind to recognise those days where I may need a little more or a little less. Most importantly, I will NEVER quit completely without returning to my GP to discuss it because if I am going through a long period of feeling fantastic, it is most likely that the drugs are helping! 
This picture represents that period of transition when I first started on them. There was a strange feeling of disengagement or numbness. It was the first time in my life where I felt my mind and my body as two separate things, my mind felt like it was rattling around lose in my body and could float off at any given second. i could be in a conversation with someone and hear everything as if I were deep under water. It was a strange old time, but if I hadn't gone through it I could be dead, so I'd say it was the right choice, and now I take everything a day at a time.

Hope you're well xo